Let Me Digress

Posted By kahmelb on January 28, 2010

What a week it’s been for middle-aged white men playing power games, hey?

First the Tonester declares virginity is the greatest gift a girl can give, effectively proving he’s either never done it with a virgin or else he’s dated some truly shit gift-givers in his time.  Not that I want to cast allusions on Tony Abbott’s previous sexual partners, but surely anyone over the age of twenty-five is old enough to realise that, firstly, it’s far more fun bonking someone who actually knows what they’re doing and, secondly, the worth of any woman at any level of sexual maturity can not and should not ever be reduced to the mere presence of a mostly hidden bit of skin, or lack thereof.

And if we’re talking the greatest gifts to give, I’d prefer Johnny Depp wearing only a pair of tight jeans, in need of a hug and with a case of amnesia, thank you very much.*

For all those who missed it (lucky buggers) – while I was busy assuming the greatest gift I could give anyone would be my undying loyalty or never-ending love or intellectual companionship or whole-hearted life-long devotion or even the sparkling brilliance of my wit and personality (too far?  Really?), the leader of the Opposition was telling that venerable guide to modern femininity – or, at least, guide to killing time while waiting for your fish and chips – the Australian Women’s Weekly, that the greatest gift I was born to give is an awkward, un-fun squishy evening sometime during my later teenage years, probably in the back seat of a sub-two thousand dollar car.  Who wudda thunk it?

Still, at least he was being honest, and fairly circumspect for a  committed Catholic with three daughters who has been better known for fighting his ideological battles over women’s bodies in far more aggressive terms in the past.

In other words, he could have been much worse.

Like his colleague, Senator George Brandis.

Brandis, in case you didn’t notice (and really, we all wish we hadn’t), just couldn’t help himself but declare to the world at large that, in his opinion, our country’s Deputy Prime Minister had no right to comment on the aforementioned Opposition leader’s comments, because she doesn’t have any children.  No, no other reason.  Just the fact she doesn’t have kids.  That’s all.

So I, for one, would just like to declare to the world at large, or at least those of you who stumble occasionally upon this blog, that George Brandis doesn’t have any right to comment on Julia Guillard’s right to comment, because he is a certifiable moron and a complete dickhead.

Yeah, I know, I’m just the Queen of sharp and well-paced political satire today.  Shouting “hey Brandis, you’re a dickhead!” has to be right up there with the greatest satirists of all time, or at least worthy of a Chaser sketch, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t tell you the fertility status of any of the men in Parliament.  I never actually think about whether our Prime Minister has children or not – though, strangely I seem to know a lot about his pets.  And while I’m aware of Joe Hockey’s parental status, it’s only because he tweets about it, otherwise I wouldn’t notice.  See, to my mind, the ability to breed does not a good political leader make.  Or vice versa.

Indeed, to me it all seems rather irrelevant.

But this must be the week of middle-aged males proving your erstwhile blog-host here wrong, because this isn’t the first time Julia Guillard has had to stare down that astonished “but you have no children!” cry, as if the sight of a woman with a career but without any kids is somehow particularly confronting and even just a wee bit scary to some of the men around about her.  Which says a lot more about those men than it does about her, really.

Of course, all this politics stuff paled away in comparison to the big announcement sometime not long after 4am this morning Aussie time.  After much tech-geek speculation, the twenty-first century’s Bill Gates – Steve Jobs – revealed just how significant the gender imbalance in Apple’s marketing departments really is.  In particular, those departments where they come up with new product names.

iPad. Yes, you heard correct.  They named the thing iPad.  With all that design genius at their geeky fingertips, the company which reshaped commercial music distribution and has cornered the smart-phone market worldwide put their collective heads together and came up with a name for their new tablet-gadget.

And the best they could do is iPad.

Oh dear.

As you can imagine, the internet was full-up with jokes about extra absorbency before the hour was out.  When I awoke this morning, I had to fight my way through a series of feminine hygiene gags before I could even get to the actual news the jokes were about.

Now kiddies, I’ve no idea on whether the, uh, iPad (no, I’m never going to be able to say that without smirking; yes, I can be really juvenile) is any good or not.  Looks just like a big iTouch to me.  Which might be fun.  Let’s wait six months and see what the early adopters say before deciding to commit any hard-earned funds, hmmm?  Fact is, the name is far more interesting, and I’m prepared to lay money – yes, my own and all – on the fact this much hyped, long-awaited, resistance-is-futile product was named by either:

a)     a series of committees made up of balding middle-aged men in suits who still can’t understand what everybody is joking about; or

b)    one lone woman with a very wicked sense of humour.

Good on her, I say.

In the end, my favourite bit of gender bollocks this week (yes, of course the pun was entirely intended, what else do you expect?), would have to be the Australian Classification Board’s decision to ban depictions of female orgasm because – and this is just wrong on so many levels you either have to laugh, or bash your head against the brick wall they call modern enlightenment – they figured female ejaculation was the same as urination.  And that it is an “abhorrent” depiction.

Speechless.

Still speechless.

No, it’s not going away, no matter how long I close my eyes.  It’s real.  Really real.  Fact.  Truth.  I am not pulling your leg, or any other part of your anatomy, about this, I swear.

And don’t even get me started on how they’re beginning to ban depictions of women with small breasts.  Yes, you heard me right.  According to the Australian Classification Board, A-cup sized women must be stopped!

Now, I can understand members of, say, the Taliban in Afghanistan being that ignorant of female physiology.  You know, if all you’ve known all your life is a culture which traditionally devalues the female and which separates the genders with ferocity, then such ignorance and bias would be pretty much expected.  But the Australian Classification Board?  The official Governmental  body responsible for dictating what you adults are allowed to see, and not see, in this country?  So totally and completely ignorance of the basic biological science behind the operation of the female body?  To peddle the kind of misogynistic attitudes towards female sexuality that we might expect from, well, the Taliban?

I tell you, I am not making this up!

And that’s not even touching – touching, ha, get it? Get it?  Huh? – the fact the censorship already involved in banning anything portraying activities even the slightest bit more adventurous than basic male-female missionary position with the lights out is already eding towards the extreme in this country.  This is the same censorship they’re planning to turn onto your internets, kiddies.  Don’t forget that, now.

Ah, what a week.  The middle-aged white men in suits must be exhausted!  They’ve been so busy, the scurrelious wee things.  They do get so excited when they think they’re winning.

So we’ll just wait till they’re asleep.  Then we’ll knock them on their shiny, balding heads and start running the country properly, hey?

Okay, meet you down the docks at midnight then…

Kath

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* The Johnny Depp thing is not my line.  A good friend of mine came up with it and I thought it worth stealing.  Well, she doesn’t have a blog.  It’s not like she’d be using it anyway.

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Categories: Unsolicited opinion
Tags: Apple, Australian Classification Board, censorship, gender, internet filtering, iPad, Julia Guillard, politics, Senator Brandis, Tony Abbott